50 Things I Learned From Watching Planes, Trains & Automobiles

1. Don’t throw away your rental agreement the next time you get stranded in a rental lot and my only way back is to walk down a freeway and runway.
2. Pull your car over, before trying to take your coat off.
3. If you decide to throw your cigarette out the window of the car, make sure that it actually does leave the car, or better yet, use the ashtray.
4. When you spend the night at a motel and you want to take a shower, check out the shower first to find out how it works, or you might end up with soap all over your face and no more water.
5. People will go out of their way to help you lug around a giant trunk.
6. If you ever have loads of shower curtain rings and have no money, sell them all off as earings.
7. If you let someone pay for everything, you feel like a freeloader.
8. Lawyers are thieves (well, I guess we didn’t really learn anything there).
9. If you’ve purchased a first-class airline ticket and are assigned to row, it’s unlikely you’ve been seated in first-class (how many rows of first-class do you think there could possibly be)?
10. If you’re driving a 1986 Dodge 600 ES Turbo and it catches on fire, your radio will be fireproof and will actually work better afterwards.
11. A freshly made bed in a motel will look like a queen size when you first enter the room, but in the morning you’ll realize it was only a double.
12. It is possible to buy pyjamas that will clash with every fabric pattern you share a room with.
13. The cast of Family Ties was on the cover of Us Magazine sometime in 1986/1987.
14. Grace, the secretary of Ferris Bueller’s high school, has lost her job and is now a customer service agent for Marathon Car Rental.
15. If you fall in front of a moving vehicle, it will stop right before hitting your head.
16. Never, under no circumstances, NEVER put your hands in between two pillows.
17. It’s possible to have a baby come out sideways where the mom don’t scream or nothin.’
18. The theme song to Flintstones will go over better in a karaoke bar better than 3 Coins In A Fountain.
19. Just because people don’t know your destination doesn’t mean they can’t tell you’re going the wrong way.
20. $2.00 and a Casio won’t get you a hotel room…no matter how well you display the watch.
21. Paying for a hotel room with cash ensures you will not get caught if you back into the building with your car.
22. Wearing shower curtain rings as earrings may grant you access to bars even if you are underage.
23. If it seems awfully easy to hail a cab in NYC there is probably a very good chance it was someone else’s cab.
24. Even though you have just squeezed your car between two oncoming 18-wheelers the consequent dents and gouges can be buffed right out.
25. Make sure to remove your wallet from the glove compartment just in case the car is to catch fire
26. It’s a dang rare thing these days to find someone who’s proud of their town.
27. After an accident, it’s ok to “laugh because we’re alright now!”
28. A tie will make a poor ear warmer when walking across the tarmac.
29. Always call for a room first, NOT your wife to say you are in Witchita.
30. It is better to get a noogie than an Indian burn.
31. During Thanksgiving, you should always end phone conversations with gobble gobble.
32. Always have a friend vouch for you when you’ve worn the same underwear since Tuesday in order to get a motel room.
33. When losing control of a car and awakening your passenger, tell him we almost hit a deer to smooth things over.
34. Sitting in the seat of a burned up car makes you feel like a big whopper.
35. Taking a picture makes it last longer.
36. You have more of a chance finding a three-legged ballerina than you do a hotel room when there’s a storm in Witchita…
37. Lugging a trunk around New York City seems to be harder than anywhere else.
38. Holding tightly onto a dashboard will cause your fingers to sink into the dashboard.
39. Breaking something can be always blamed on faulty engineering.
40. Even though the discount cards are still honoured at the motel, you’ll have to be-be charged for a double…but with the discount, it’ll work out about even.
41. Selling shower curtain rings to people ensures they owe you a favour.
42. If you’re willing to pay 10.00 for a cab, you’re willing to pay 50.00….75.00…
43. Never lose possession of your Diner’s Club Card
44. Casio watches draped seductively over your arm are not considered good enough for a room at a crappy motel which is probably empty anyway over Thanksgiving.
45. Like your work, love your wife.
46. You can’t rent a car with shower curtain rings.
47. You can’t rent a motel room with a Chalmer’s Big & Tall credit card.
48. Just go with the flow, like a twig on the shoulder of a mighty stream.
49. Casio watches don’t work as currency. You need a good watch for that.
50. And finally…. Like your job, Love your wife.

Did I miss anything? If so feel free to add to the list.